I’ve been mulling over a Facebook post I saw in a foster parent support group this week. A foster parent was venting about a difficult situation with a teen who had recently left their home. The details aren’t as important as the broader conversation it sparked—one that I think gets to the heart of a critical issue in foster care.
The Heart of the Matter
Here’s what I said in my comment, and I meant every word:
“Some of you in these comments are why we as foster parents have a bad name. And this post has too many red flags to ignore.”
Strong words, I know. But they needed to be said.
The situation involved a foster parent who had withheld allowance based on chores, which is against policy. When confronted about having to back-pay, the foster parent was frustrated—understandably so on some level, but also missing a crucial point. And the comments? They ranged from supportive advice to outright enabling poor practices that harm these kids.
The Question Nobody Asked
Reading through that original post, one question kept nagging at me: Did anyone ask if this teen actually knew HOW to do chores?
This isn’t a trick question or me being deliberately obtuse. This is the reality of foster care that too many foster parents don’t grasp until it’s too late.
I had a teen come to my home who had been in the system since childhood. Multiple foster homes. Multiple “families” who were supposed to teach her life skills. And you know what? She didn’t know how to do the most basic chores. Not because she was lazy. Not because she was defiant. But because no one had ever actually taught her.
Her life skills had frozen at the same age she entered care. And from what I learned, none of her previous foster parents really wanted to work with her on it. Three of those previous foster parents are in that same Facebook group I mentioned, and I see them constantly comment that they won’t take teens.
We have to do better.
The Expectation Gap
Here’s where foster parents often stumble: We expect these kids to function like kids who grew up in stable, loving homes with consistent parenting. We assume they know:
- How to clean a room systematically
- What “clean” even means by our standards
- How to organize belongings
- How to meal plan or understand food storage
- How to manage personal hygiene consistently
- How to communicate needs appropriately
- How to ask for help without feeling shame
But these assumptions are often completely wrong.
The Reality of Trauma
When a teen has been through multiple placements, survived abuse or neglect, or bounced through the system, their brain is wired differently. They’re operating in survival mode, not “let me keep my room Pinterest-perfect” mode.
That burning stove left on all night? That’s not malicious. That’s a kid who maybe never learned fire safety because they were too busy surviving. Or whose executive function is compromised by trauma.
The messy room? That might be the only space they feel they have control over in their entire life.
The “wasted” food? Could be hoarding behavior from a history of food insecurity, or not knowing how to cook, or never having learned what foods need refrigeration.
What We Signed Up For
I want to be crystal clear about something: This is what we signed up for.
When we signed those papers to become foster parents, we weren’t signing up to take in kids who already have their act together. We were signing up to help kids who have been through hell learn how to function in a world that has repeatedly failed them.
If we wanted easy, well-adjusted kids who do their chores without being asked and say “please” and “thank you,” we should have signed up to be camp counselors at a summer camp for privileged kids.
The Rules Exist for a Reason
Let’s talk about allowance for a minute, since that was the catalyst for this whole discussion.
In California, allowance in foster care is mandatory by law. Period. It cannot be tied to chores, grades, behavior, or anything else. And yes, if you withhold it, you have to back-pay.
What California Law Actually Says
California Welfare and Institutions Code § 16001.9—the Foster Youth Bill of Rights—explicitly states that all foster youth have the right “to receive adequate and healthy food, adequate clothing, grooming and hygiene products, and an age-appropriate allowance.”
This isn’t a suggestion. It’s not a guideline. It’s state law.
The law evolved over time. Earlier versions (pre-2024) specified allowances were mandatory only for youth in group homes. But the current law removed that limitation—all foster youth in California now have the legal right to receive an age-appropriate allowance, regardless of placement type.
Why These Rules Exist
Why? Because these kids have had everything taken from them already. Their families, their homes, their sense of security, often their belongings. The allowance is a small amount of money that is legally theirs—one of the few things in their lives they can actually control.
When we tie allowance to chores, we’re teaching them that love, support, and basic rights are conditional. And guess what? That’s exactly what the system has already taught them. We’re supposed to be different.
Is it frustrating when a kid doesn’t help around the house? Absolutely. Should there be consequences for destructive behavior? Of course. But withholding money that is legally theirs isn’t the answer.
Note: Allowance requirements vary significantly by state. If you foster outside of California, check your state’s specific regulations. However, the principle remains the same—foster youth need some financial autonomy and control in their lives.
The Solution: Meet Them Where They Are
So what do we do instead? We meet them where they are and work forward from there.
1. Assess Before You Expect
Before you assign any chores, sit down and find out what the teen actually knows how to do. Don’t assume. Ask. Better yet, demonstrate.
- “Hey, can you show me how you usually clean your room?”
- “Have you ever swept a floor before? Let me show you how I do it.”
- “I’m going to cook dinner. Want to help me so you can learn?”
2. Teach, Don’t Tell
If they don’t know how to do something, teach them. Step by step. Multiple times if necessary.
I had to show my foster daughter how to wash dishes at least a dozen times before it clicked. Not because she was stupid, but because she had never had consistent teaching in her entire life.
3. Celebrate Small Wins
Did they make their bed today? Celebrate it. Did they put their dirty clothes in the hamper? That’s huge. Did they remember to turn off the stove? That’s growth.
We can’t expect perfection from kids who are still learning basic life skills while also processing massive trauma.
4. Separate Allowance from Everything Else
Give the allowance. On time. Every time. No exceptions. It’s not yours to withhold.
If you want to create opportunities for extra money through additional tasks, that’s different. But the baseline allowance is non-negotiable.
5. Document Everything (The Right Way)
Yes, take pictures of damage. Keep receipts. Document concerning behaviors. But do it to protect yourself and get proper support—not to build a case against a traumatized teenager.
The Hard Truth
Reading through those Facebook comments, I saw a lot of foster parents patting each other on the back for not following the rules. For withholding allowance. For refusing to take teens. For treating these kids like burdens instead of children who desperately need help.
And that breaks my heart.
Because these are the same people who will turn around and wonder why the foster care system is broken. Why there aren’t enough homes for teens. Why kids age out without life skills.
We are part of the problem when we refuse to do the hard work of meeting these kids where they are.
A Challenge to Fellow Foster Parents
If you’re reading this and feeling defensive, I want you to sit with that feeling for a moment. Ask yourself why.
- Are you frustrated because fostering is harder than you expected?
- Are you angry because a kid isn’t meeting your expectations?
- Are you tired because you’ve been giving and giving and not seeing results?
All of those feelings are valid. Foster parenting is hard. It’s exhausting. It’s thankless more often than not.
But none of those feelings justify taking shortcuts with a child’s wellbeing or ignoring the rules designed to protect them.
If you can’t follow the rules around allowance, how can a teen trust you with bigger things? If you can’t teach basic life skills without resentment, how will they learn? If you give up on them because they’re “too difficult,” what message does that send?
The Kids Who Changed My View
I mentioned earlier that I had a teen who didn’t know basic chores. That same teen went on to transform my entire perspective on foster parenting.
Once I stopped expecting her to already know things and started actually teaching her, everything changed. She became one of the most helpful, engaged teens I’ve ever worked with. But it took me changing first.
I had to do some serious self-reflection. I had to admit that my expectations were unrealistic. I had to acknowledge that my frustration was more about my own assumptions than her actual capabilities.
That’s the work we all need to do.
Moving Forward
To the foster parent who wrote that original post: I genuinely hope you take some time to reflect on this situation. Not to beat yourself up, but to learn and grow. Fostering is a journey, and we all make mistakes.
But please, pay that teen her back allowance. It’s not about who was right or wrong. It’s about doing right by a kid who has already lost so much.
And to all foster parents reading this: We can do better. We must do better.
These kids deserve foster parents who:
- Follow the rules designed to protect them
- Teach them instead of expecting them to already know
- Celebrate progress instead of demanding perfection
- Meet them where they are instead of where we think they should be
That’s the commitment we made. Let’s honor it.
Resources
If you’re struggling with a foster teen, here are some things that have helped me:
- Trauma-informed care training – Understanding how trauma affects development is crucial
- Connect with other foster parents – But choose your community wisely. Seek out those who are committed to growth and best practices
- Work with the teen’s therapist – They can provide insights into behaviors and help create effective strategies
- Take breaks when needed – Respite care exists for a reason. Use it before you burn out
- Remember why you started – These kids need us. Even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.
Foster parenting isn’t about being perfect. It’s about showing up, doing the work, and choosing these kids over and over again—even when they can’t choose themselves yet.
Let’s be the adults they need us to be.